In our continuing look at romance, one thing we have to consider is what the other person is seeing.

CAN YOU SEE THE REAL ME?

We are very visual as human beings. So yes, it is true, that guy may have a great personality, but if you don’t even get to the longing looks in their direction stage, you are probably missing out. You know what I’m talking about too, girls, if you have ever wondered why some girls get all the attention, and you feel you are invisible.

Again, chemistry and compatibility are two essential ingredients in any relationship. I’ve been really interested to watch the interplay between Hillary Clinton and Bill Clinton when they have appeared on the campaign trail recently.

Whatever issues they may have had in the past, it is pretty clear that they enjoy being with each other, joke and tease, intellectually stimulate one another, and respect and admire each other as people. There’s still a spark and twinkle for both of them, quite an achievement after so many years.

My grandparents were married 55 years, and it was the same with them. They were best friends and prefered to be with each other to anyone else. Which was not to say they didn’t have hundred of friends, but that spark never died.

Romantic love can endure, if you choose to focus your energy and attention on it. It can all start with that one longing look, or a second and third look. One thing’s for sure, everyone adores the idea of love at first sight, but even more important is love at last look. If you are open to the idea that relationships are all about relating, communication, those longing looks can be the perfect start to a lifetime of deep, abiding connection.

Happy Valentine’s Day with your partner, if you have one, and if you are single, well, start giving and getting some long, lingering looks.

In our continuing series, we look at the nature of romance in the modern world.

A VIEW FROM THE OFFICE
Then there is the office romance,not as taboo as it once was, but definitely another ‘delicate’ romantic issue that has to be dealt with carefully for the same reason. You don’t want to dumpt garbage or toxic waste on your desk. You also don’t want to be a source of gossip and distraction in the work place, or get distracted.

Another reason for avoiding the office romance is to ensure you don’t make people uncomfortable, especially if there is too much ‘chemistry’ going on between you. Trying to ‘get a room’ in the supply closet is never a good idea, yet somehow we think we will get away with it, or that no one will know!

Believe me, everyone will know. I’ve seen far too many people, especially women, lose their jobs over office romances, for me to recommend them.

WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU WANT

There is nothing quite like romance and longing looks, the way your heart flutters when that special person enters a room. If you are missing that sensation, then you are missing out.

It is great to have someone to share life’s experiences with, good and bad, but if you would rather bake cookies or finish your excel spreadsheet than spend time with your loved one, you need a romance reality check.

WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET

One of the most fun times in a relationship is when you are first ‘seeing each other’. Curious phrase, that means you are only now noticing each other. Hopefully noticing, and picking up clues about the other person and what you can share in a meaningful way.

One of the great things about dating is exploring all your options. If there is something you see that you think is a character trait or habit you can’t live with long-term, well, better to know it now than later.

IS SEEING REALLY BELIEVING?

Having said that, there is always the honeymoon period in any relationship, which usually lasts about 5 to 8 months before things start to pop up. I always think of Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney-whirlwind courtship, 5 month marriage, and whatever she SAW in him at first was not only gone, but the new aspects she SAW were so horrifying, she didn’t even just get a divorce, she got an annulment. The marriage never happened? It must have been pretty awful indeed.

But again, that was HER mind. However, do use common sense.

On the other hand, their character may unfold before you more gradually. They might surprise you in a crisis, or conversely, let you down when you need them most. Therefore, it is important to get to know each other and find these things out about the other person before you start planning a future with them, only to wake up one morning and find yourself alone.

AVOIDING THE ROSE COLORED GLASSES
Keeping that spark alive is also a question of clear vision, and not viewing everything through rose-colored glasses. The person you have sparked with may be great as a date, but as a person you want to share a long-term future with? He might be Mr Right Now, not Mr Right.

Again, this is fine if you’re both clear and honest about your desires and expectations. If you don’t see eye to eye,  and each have a different focus, and a different vision of the future, however, there will be a lot of resentment, anger, and frustration, which will eventually suffocate even the best relationships.

A CHANGE OF FOCUS?
Romance can also involve looking at a person you already know in a whole new way.  In other words, a change of focus.

For instance, there’s the ‘person next door’: guy or girl you have tons in common with, and spend so much time with, that you get to the point where you would rather be with them than anyone else.

Does shifting your focus from the platonic to the romantic involve a slow burn, major sparkage, or idle curiosity, or convenience?  Or an avoidance of loneliness?

DIFFERING POINTS OF VIEW
There’s nothing wrong with any of these reasons, but it is best to be honest about it. Otherwise, from that person’s point of view he or she might be turning you into ‘the one’ and you’re just looking for a friend with benefits. Again, it is a question of focus.

LOOK WITHIN CLEARLY
It’s best to take a long look at yourself first, before engaging in a relationship of this sort.  Even worse, if you live in close proximity, it could be the romantic equivalent of dumping garbage or even toxic waste on your own doorstep. Not a good idea!

The best way to decide if the person is Mr. Right or Mr. Right now is to be honest about who you are and where you want to go in life. If you can picture them on that journey into the future with you, then they may be worth spending time on. Just remember, you can’t get back any wasted time if they do not have the same view of the future that you do.

Love, romance and long, lingering looks…

That’s the stuff of what romance is made of, right?

Well, yes. In part.

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT

There is nothing more exciting than meeting someone for the first time and feeling that spark. Or, with any luck, that bolt of lightning.

However, it doesn’t always strike, and yes, sometimes it can strike twice—or more. And sometimes it can also be a disaster.

There is nothing better than that rush of electricity and energy when you first meet a new romantic interest. But it can also fizzle out very quickly without additional energy being put into the relationship, hopefully on both sides.

TAKING A SECOND LOOK
Yet let’s face facts—how many guys really want to WORK on a relationship? They work from 9 to 5, sometimes longer, so for most guys, the high maintenance relationship is not something they are going to be interested in long-term.

For both genders, there is often the naïve assumption that relationships are just totally natural and happen all by themselves.

Then there is the other end of the spectrum—”I do all the work in this relationship.”

Let’s go back to that spark for a minute.  What if you were able to re-capture that sensation over and over again?  Eye contact, flirtiness, light touches and caresses, without being too suffocating, can all maintain that feeling of when you first met. It is all a question of focus.

It doesn’t sound like too much hard work, does it? You don’t have to cook gourmet meals, follow the Cosmo sex articles to the letter, or make sure his socks are ironed, for your man to think you are awesome, perfect even, so long as you keep that spark alive.

Read on in:
Love, Romance And Long, Lingering Looks… Seeing, Focus, And Believing In Romantic Relationships Part 2

KEEPING YOUR ROMANCE AGREEMENT

One of the things we love so much about dating is the spark, sizzle, spontaneity, and the chance to learn new things about each other. With any luck, your romance agreement will help you foster that sense of wonder and excitement through the shared activities you plan and the atmosphere of love you create.

Relationships are all about relating. As my yoga teacher once said, you are relaying information. It will last only as long as the other person chooses to continute communicating with you, that is, listening to what you have to say, and saying what he feels.

Love, communication, sex, are all ACTIVE choices.  No one can make that choice for you. No one can or should force you to.  You choose positive or negative, you can choose loving or harsh.

You can choose to keep your romance agreement, or not. You can’t force a garden to grow any faster by tugging at the shoots. But by patiently focusing on creating an atmosphere of love each day and night, and by scheduling regular times for lovemaking and sharing, you will be actively planting the seeds that will help your relationship flourish like a garden in spring.

4525 words total

REFERENCES IN ARTICLE
All quotes are taken from:
The Columbia World of Quotations,  1996.
Anonymous Limerick
Philip Larkin  (June 16, 1967). Annus Mirabilis, st. 1, High Windows (1974).
Karl Kraus (1874–1936), Austrian satirist. repr. In Anti-Freud: Karl Kraus’s Criticism of Psychoanalysis and Psychiatry, ch. 8, by Thomas Szasz (1976). Die Fackel, no. 229 (Vienna, July 2, 1907).
BIOGRAPHY:    Columbia Encyclopedia.

Here is a sample romance agreement to help give you some ideas about how to keep the romance in your relationship.

ROMANCE AGREEMENT

For ________and__________
Date ______________

The purpose of this agreement is to identify and plan actions and activities we can take with each other or for each other that nurture our feelings of love for one another.

We agree to have a “date night” once a week.  The date night can/willl include the following:

1. Some private down time when we get home from work
2. A meal at a different restaurant,
3. Or a take out meal with paper plates and plastic cutlery so no one is stuck with the dishes
4. A movie or video together/mututal choice, or we can take turns choosing
5. A romantic bath, shower, massage, and lovemaking

We agree to have a “date day” at least once a month.  The date day will include the following:

1. A walk somewhere in nature,
2. a picnic
3. Romantic foreplay, massage and sex,
4. A meal at a new restaurant we’ve never tried before
5. A movie or video together
6. A mutually agreed upon activity, such as  horseriding rollerblading
7. a trip to a day spa
8. a lazy morning with breakfast in bed and lovemaking
9. a lazy day in bed with a shower together
10. a fun bruch
11. a trip to a museum or sporting event

We agree that, if possible, it is desirable for sex to take place early enough in the night/day so that our energy levels are good.

At least once a week we agree to put on soft music and light candles while we read from a couple-affirming book or spiritual materials together.

We agree that quickie sex is just great if the mood srikes us, so long as we don’t scare the horses or children.

At least once a day we connect as a couple with touching, holding, kissing, or even just looking into each other’s eyes.

At least once a month we agree to give our partner a love note and/or gift.
At least once a day, we will take it in turns to consciously llisten to each other interrupting or trying to “fix things’.

At least once a day, we will take turns to cultivate an ‘attitidue of gratitude’ and express appreciation for the positive things  we share, and thank each other for what your partner adds to out life.

At least once a year, we agree to have a ‘vacation’ together, even if we don’t have a lot of money.

We can take time off work to spend together, go to a hotel for a change of scenery and to get away from housethold chores, can find a nice B and B for a weekend getaway, or any other mutually agreed upon activity.

We agree to review this agreement together during the first week of each month to set a date for our “date day”, and weekly to help us stay focused on our progress toward our commitment.

We will also know that as much as we look forward to our date night or date day, that circumstances might oblige us to reschedule from time to time. On the event of having to  postpone, we will be understanding and try to re-schedule as soon as possible thereafter.

This agreement is entered into willingly and lovingly by

_______________________    _____________________    on    ______

Partner #1                Partner #2                Date

To read more, see:
Keeping the Romance in Your Relationship Part 9

KEEPING THE ROMANCE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP: WHY NOT TRY A ROMANCE AGREEMENT?

So, how  can you keep on track with keeping the romance in your relationship?

Why not try a romance agreement?

You and your partner can easily draw up a romance agreement togther that will help keep you focused on romance between you, fostering a deep connection that in turn will help you weather life’s little storms.

Your romance agreement is not a long list of demands, but rather things that you both agree you enjoy which, when shared on a regular basis, will help you feel close to each other and help create the overall atmosphere of romance which we have been talking about cultivating in this article. These shared  activities can spur you to feel desire for your partner, and/or desirable yourself.

This is just one outline, with examples.  Use the ideas to expand upon what you would most like from your romance agreement. Just try not to be too set in your way. Your partner’s suggestions could very much surprise you.

And make you more than eager for your next pre-arranged romantic session!

For a Sample Romance Contract, see: Keeping the Romance in Your Relationship Part 8

COMMUNICATE FROM THE HEART

You can foster a loving atmosphere with heartfelt communication. Thank your partner for the little things. Say well done. Commiserate, but don’t try to blame or ‘fix’ if they have a hard day at work. Be respectful, of their time, effort, attention. Sure, it may not be the best breakfast you’ve ever had, but if they tried to be romantic by serving it to you in bed, great.

Don’t take things for granted either.   Of course we all love to get presents for birthdays or Christmas, but don’t get so fixated on that new pair or earrings of great pair or sneakers that you totally  miss the fact that your partner made breakfast in bed, or detailed your car until it was showroom new.

Remember than any gift you give, is a conscious choice to be loving, to think of you, and to put you first instead of spending the money on themselves. It is not owed to you and is not as important as a loving atmosphere between you and your partner. Christmas or your birthday is only one day. You need to be loving for all 365 in the year. And for all the days of your marriage if you get married, not just your wedding day in front of all your friends and family.

There is a particularly awful cereal commercial on the TV lately, in which a hapless guy who strongly resembles the human equivalent of an Old English Sheepdog, tries to engage his wife in a conversation about the new cereal she is eating.

She looks more like she is drinking vinegar, tunred down mouth, narrowed eyes, because he seems to be implying she needs to lose weight, when all he is doing is reading from the box.

Of course, the more he reasds from the box, the more pissy she gets, until the pooint where communication breaks down totally.
To her demand, “What else does the box say.” The guy sheepishly gives up. “Shut up, Steve.”

To which the guy gets a smug satsfied sarcastic smile and no doubt crawls away to lick his wounds, while she goes back to chewing the cereal with such tight-lipped miserable fury you would think she was eating overcooked liver, not a delightful new health cereal.

This woman is clearly not communicating from the heart. In fact, she is acting like she has no heart, no compassion for her supposed love one at all.

ROMANCE AND SARCASM ARE NOT REALLY COMPATABLE Are you going around in your life treating your partner in that manner? Think of the origin of the word sarcasm. It means to rend or tear flesh. Are you ripping your partner to pieces if he opens his mouth over the least little thing? He’s a guy, for Heaven’s sake. He is never going to be as eloquent as your favorite movie or TV stars on screen. Those guys are scripted. This is real life.

You can all relate to the miserable feeling you had if you ever said something unskillful or embarrassing in public. Why put your partner through that tortuous feeling when you could be fostering romance instead.

Maybe the woman in the ad was a bad morning person, but really, if your spouse or partner is willing to take an interest in anything new that you do, go with it! And vice versa. I know a lot of women who hate golf, but go because they get to spend time with their man, and get to go out into some fairly pretty natural settings. And to the 19th hole afterwards. All of this can be time for communicating and keeping your energy in tune and in synch with one another. To stifle communication like the woman in the ad is to stifle the free interplay and flow of love.

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

All of us would like to be loved unconditionally. But are we willing to offer unconditional love to others? REALLY?

I will love you even if:
You forget my birthday
You don’t take me out to dinner
You forget to take out the trash
You leave the toilet seat up
You squeeze the toothpaste in the middle fo the tube
You run up huge credit card debts
You are unfaithful to our relationship

Until you can say “I will love you no matter what you do or say,” it is not unconditional love.

Think about three situations where you could have expressed your love for your partner better. Then think of three instances where they could have been more loving towards you. Do they have anything in common?  If so, what can you do to choose love instead of anger?

LOVE IS AN ACTIVE CHOICE

Staying in a relationship is an active choice we make every day.  We may have many different reasons for staying in the relationship, but the primary reason for being a couple is to love and cherish each other.

So, we can choose. Do we act in a positive and loving manner, praising, being warm and affectionate?

Or are we negative, critical, always finding fault, freezing out our partner if they displease us? Do we hold a grudge, or come up with a worse-case scenario?

Are we expecting our partner to be a mind-reader and punishing them when they aren’t? Are we offering them the same unconditional love that we crave, that we wish for ourselves? Or are we always judging them and finding them lacking in some spoken or unspoken way: if only he would… Or yes, he’s good but not good enough…

Again, this is all in the eye of the beholder. But wouldn’t you rather be happy and wrong, than right and alone? If you cling you your wants, needs and beliefs as RIGHT, you’ll most likely be left with them and only them. The love in your relationship will evaporate if you don’t work to keep the romance between you alive.

Read more in: Keeping the Romance in Your Relationship Part 6

HEARTFELT COMMITMENT
The subtitle of Dr Chapman’s book, How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, is also a valuable lesson in romance, which should be felt in the heart.

If you are constantly discontent and always thinking that the grass is greener elsewhere in another garden, you are not expressing heartfelt connection and commitment with your partner.

You are also causing your own unhappiness, because it is your mind creating the discontent by constantly comparing and contracsting what you have, with what you wish for–or think you wish for.

I always thought I wanted a Westie terrier-I ended up with an abandoned 14 year old with sharp teeth, jaws of steel, and kidney failure. I always thought I wanted a cocker spaniel, but $10,000 in vet’s bills later… You get the idea.

AN ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE
Yes, I got my Westie, and she was hard work, especially toward the end, having to give her an IV every day when she wanted nothing more than to rip my arm off and eat it! But the joy she felt when we gave her a bath, or when she hunted squirrels in the park with my 4 year old dog, was wonderful to see.

I got the cocker spaniel I always wanted, but she came with a host of health problems, but each day she improves and grows in confidence, and knows she is loved and adored for the first time in her life.  I am grateful every day for the unconditional love she gives not just to me, but the whole family.

PERFECT IS IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER

Neither of my dogs is perfect—tbut then, perfect is in the mind of the beholder.  The same is true of your partner. And yes, he might have seemed perfect at first, and then he changed.

Is it really that he changed, or, is it that your point of view or opinion changed? That once you were out of the infatuation phase of the relationship (which usually lasts 5- 8 months) and once you are married and past the honeymoon, the things you thought once thought were adorably quirky end up being as annoying as fingernails on a blackboard.

But by being grateful for the little things every day, you’ll stop looking for greener grass. You’ll be happy with the grass itself. You will also be thankful for the challenges that your partner brings to your life, such as helping you learn to be more patient and how to try to live in peace and harmony.

This article is continued in Keeping the Romance in Your Relationship Part 5.

THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES
In Gary Chapman’s wonderful 5 Love Languages series of books, at http://www.fivelovelanguages.com, Chapman presents the theory that each person has their own main way of communicating his or her love from amongst these 5 methods:

Words Of Affirmation (praising, thanking)
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service (errands, laundry)
Physical Touch

Each of us has a primary love language, and a secondary one. Chapman accounts for the ‘loss of love’ after we marry (or move in together) as due to couples failing to speak each other’s love language, or, in some cases, mis-communicating within the love language, because, let’s face it, not all of us are the greatest orators.

We learned lessons about love from family, friends, past relationships, romantic and otherwise, as witnesses to our parents’ and friends’ relationships, marriages and even divorces. All of these can affect how we ‘speak our love language.’

With divorce running at 50%, it makes sense to wonder what conscious and unconscious messages we are communicating in our relationships? And are we getting married with “Until death do us part,” very firmly in mind, or “Until I decide it just isn’t working/meet someone else”?

THE WINTER OF OUR DISCONTENT
What are the common reasons for divorce?

Money and infidelity.

We live in the most prosperous country in the world, in dwelling FULL of material goods, hot and cold running water, indoor plumbing, refrigerators full of food. How much is enough? And is is so important that it’s worth damaging your primary love relationship?

Only 4% of affairs ever result in a long-term relationship, with long-term defined as two years or more. (Yikes-that’s LONG TERM?)

Over 70% of those who had the affair wish they had never been unfaithful, and wish they could go back to the way things were with their spouse.

Clearly, something is amiss here. So let’s break it down: What needs is each spouse trying to get fulfilled in each case?

HOW MUCH IS ENOUGH?
We ALL want to be successful, happy, free from suffering and want. Feeling loved is a very real need. But how much is enough?

Your own mind defines ‘enough’. Plus, a lot of people are not clear about what they are looking for in a relationship, so how can they feel romantic with someone they believe is not giving them what they want?

We are not arguing that people should settle for less, but there are ways of communicating your needs without seeming selfish, putting your partner on the defensive, or making them feel that no matter what they do, it is never good enough.

If your partner tries to give you a gift or arrange a ‘special’ time together, give them credit for a good, loving intention, even if it isn’t exactly what you wanted. Nothing in life is perfect. Not even you!

The most wonderful thing about relationships, though, is that they can be a wonderful garden for personal growth. But like all gardens, it needs to be tended, and weeded.

Read on in
Keeping the Romance in Your Relationship Part 4.