Tag: love

In our continuing look at romance, one thing we have to consider is what the other person is seeing.

CAN YOU SEE THE REAL ME?

We are very visual as human beings. So yes, it is true, that guy may have a great personality, but if you don’t even get to the longing looks in their direction stage, you are probably missing out. You know what I’m talking about too, girls, if you have ever wondered why some girls get all the attention, and you feel you are invisible.

Again, chemistry and compatibility are two essential ingredients in any relationship. I’ve been really interested to watch the interplay between Hillary Clinton and Bill Clinton when they have appeared on the campaign trail recently.

Whatever issues they may have had in the past, it is pretty clear that they enjoy being with each other, joke and tease, intellectually stimulate one another, and respect and admire each other as people. There’s still a spark and twinkle for both of them, quite an achievement after so many years.

My grandparents were married 55 years, and it was the same with them. They were best friends and prefered to be with each other to anyone else. Which was not to say they didn’t have hundred of friends, but that spark never died.

Romantic love can endure, if you choose to focus your energy and attention on it. It can all start with that one longing look, or a second and third look. One thing’s for sure, everyone adores the idea of love at first sight, but even more important is love at last look. If you are open to the idea that relationships are all about relating, communication, those longing looks can be the perfect start to a lifetime of deep, abiding connection.

Happy Valentine’s Day with your partner, if you have one, and if you are single, well, start giving and getting some long, lingering looks.

In our continuing series, we look at the nature of romance in the modern world.

A VIEW FROM THE OFFICE
Then there is the office romance,not as taboo as it once was, but definitely another ‘delicate’ romantic issue that has to be dealt with carefully for the same reason. You don’t want to dumpt garbage or toxic waste on your desk. You also don’t want to be a source of gossip and distraction in the work place, or get distracted.

Another reason for avoiding the office romance is to ensure you don’t make people uncomfortable, especially if there is too much ‘chemistry’ going on between you. Trying to ‘get a room’ in the supply closet is never a good idea, yet somehow we think we will get away with it, or that no one will know!

Believe me, everyone will know. I’ve seen far too many people, especially women, lose their jobs over office romances, for me to recommend them.

WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU WANT

There is nothing quite like romance and longing looks, the way your heart flutters when that special person enters a room. If you are missing that sensation, then you are missing out.

It is great to have someone to share life’s experiences with, good and bad, but if you would rather bake cookies or finish your excel spreadsheet than spend time with your loved one, you need a romance reality check.

WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET

One of the most fun times in a relationship is when you are first ‘seeing each other’. Curious phrase, that means you are only now noticing each other. Hopefully noticing, and picking up clues about the other person and what you can share in a meaningful way.

One of the great things about dating is exploring all your options. If there is something you see that you think is a character trait or habit you can’t live with long-term, well, better to know it now than later.

IS SEEING REALLY BELIEVING?

Having said that, there is always the honeymoon period in any relationship, which usually lasts about 5 to 8 months before things start to pop up. I always think of Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney-whirlwind courtship, 5 month marriage, and whatever she SAW in him at first was not only gone, but the new aspects she SAW were so horrifying, she didn’t even just get a divorce, she got an annulment. The marriage never happened? It must have been pretty awful indeed.

But again, that was HER mind. However, do use common sense.

On the other hand, their character may unfold before you more gradually. They might surprise you in a crisis, or conversely, let you down when you need them most. Therefore, it is important to get to know each other and find these things out about the other person before you start planning a future with them, only to wake up one morning and find yourself alone.

AVOIDING THE ROSE COLORED GLASSES
Keeping that spark alive is also a question of clear vision, and not viewing everything through rose-colored glasses. The person you have sparked with may be great as a date, but as a person you want to share a long-term future with? He might be Mr Right Now, not Mr Right.

Again, this is fine if you’re both clear and honest about your desires and expectations. If you don’t see eye to eye,  and each have a different focus, and a different vision of the future, however, there will be a lot of resentment, anger, and frustration, which will eventually suffocate even the best relationships.

A CHANGE OF FOCUS?
Romance can also involve looking at a person you already know in a whole new way.  In other words, a change of focus.

For instance, there’s the ‘person next door’: guy or girl you have tons in common with, and spend so much time with, that you get to the point where you would rather be with them than anyone else.

Does shifting your focus from the platonic to the romantic involve a slow burn, major sparkage, or idle curiosity, or convenience?  Or an avoidance of loneliness?

DIFFERING POINTS OF VIEW
There’s nothing wrong with any of these reasons, but it is best to be honest about it. Otherwise, from that person’s point of view he or she might be turning you into ‘the one’ and you’re just looking for a friend with benefits. Again, it is a question of focus.

LOOK WITHIN CLEARLY
It’s best to take a long look at yourself first, before engaging in a relationship of this sort.  Even worse, if you live in close proximity, it could be the romantic equivalent of dumping garbage or even toxic waste on your own doorstep. Not a good idea!

The best way to decide if the person is Mr. Right or Mr. Right now is to be honest about who you are and where you want to go in life. If you can picture them on that journey into the future with you, then they may be worth spending time on. Just remember, you can’t get back any wasted time if they do not have the same view of the future that you do.

 

Love, romance and long, lingering looks…

That’s the stuff of what romance is made of, right?

Well, yes. In part.

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT

There is nothing more exciting than meeting someone for the first time and feeling that spark. Or, with any luck, that bolt of lightning.

However, it doesn’t always strike, and yes, sometimes it can strike twice—or more. And sometimes it can also be a disaster.

There is nothing better than that rush of electricity and energy when you first meet a new romantic interest. But it can also fizzle out very quickly without additional energy being put into the relationship, hopefully on both sides.

TAKING A SECOND LOOK
Yet let’s face facts—how many guys really want to WORK on a relationship? They work from 9 to 5, sometimes longer, so for most guys, the high maintenance relationship is not something they are going to be interested in long-term.

For both genders, there is often the naïve assumption that relationships are just totally natural and happen all by themselves.

Then there is the other end of the spectrum—”I do all the work in this relationship.”

Let’s go back to that spark for a minute.  What if you were able to re-capture that sensation over and over again?  Eye contact, flirtiness, light touches and caresses, without being too suffocating, can all maintain that feeling of when you first met. It is all a question of focus.

It doesn’t sound like too much hard work, does it? You don’t have to cook gourmet meals, follow the Cosmo sex articles to the letter, or make sure his socks are ironed, for your man to think you are awesome, perfect even, so long as you keep that spark alive.

Read on in:
Love, Romance And Long, Lingering Looks… Seeing, Focus, And Believing In Romantic Relationships Part 2

KEEPING YOUR ROMANCE AGREEMENT

One of the things we love so much about dating is the spark, sizzle, spontaneity, and the chance to learn new things about each other. With any luck, your romance agreement will help you foster that sense of wonder and excitement through the shared activities you plan and the atmosphere of love you create.

Relationships are all about relating. As my yoga teacher once said, you are relaying information. It will last only as long as the other person chooses to continute communicating with you, that is, listening to what you have to say, and saying what he feels.

Love, communication, sex, are all ACTIVE choices.  No one can make that choice for you. No one can or should force you to.  You choose positive or negative, you can choose loving or harsh.

You can choose to keep your romance agreement, or not. You can’t force a garden to grow any faster by tugging at the shoots. But by patiently focusing on creating an atmosphere of love each day and night, and by scheduling regular times for lovemaking and sharing, you will be actively planting the seeds that will help your relationship flourish like a garden in spring.

4525 words total

REFERENCES IN ARTICLE
All quotes are taken from:
The Columbia World of Quotations,  1996.
Anonymous Limerick
Philip Larkin  (June 16, 1967). Annus Mirabilis, st. 1, High Windows (1974).
Karl Kraus (1874–1936), Austrian satirist. repr. In Anti-Freud: Karl Kraus’s Criticism of Psychoanalysis and Psychiatry, ch. 8, by Thomas Szasz (1976). Die Fackel, no. 229 (Vienna, July 2, 1907).
BIOGRAPHY:    Columbia Encyclopedia.

Here is a sample romance agreement to help give you some ideas about how to keep the romance in your relationship.

ROMANCE AGREEMENT

For ________and__________
Date ______________

The purpose of this agreement is to identify and plan actions and activities we can take with each other or for each other that nurture our feelings of love for one another.

We agree to have a “date night” once a week.  The date night can/willl include the following:

1. Some private down time when we get home from work
2. A meal at a different restaurant,
3. Or a take out meal with paper plates and plastic cutlery so no one is stuck with the dishes
4. A movie or video together/mututal choice, or we can take turns choosing
5. A romantic bath, shower, massage, and lovemaking

We agree to have a “date day” at least once a month.  The date day will include the following:

1. A walk somewhere in nature,
2. a picnic
3. Romantic foreplay, massage and sex,
4. A meal at a new restaurant we’ve never tried before
5. A movie or video together
6. A mutually agreed upon activity, such as  horseriding rollerblading
7. a trip to a day spa
8. a lazy morning with breakfast in bed and lovemaking
9. a lazy day in bed with a shower together
10. a fun bruch
11. a trip to a museum or sporting event

We agree that, if possible, it is desirable for sex to take place early enough in the night/day so that our energy levels are good.

At least once a week we agree to put on soft music and light candles while we read from a couple-affirming book or spiritual materials together.

We agree that quickie sex is just great if the mood srikes us, so long as we don’t scare the horses or children.

At least once a day we connect as a couple with touching, holding, kissing, or even just looking into each other’s eyes.

At least once a month we agree to give our partner a love note and/or gift.
At least once a day, we will take it in turns to consciously llisten to each other interrupting or trying to “fix things’.

At least once a day, we will take turns to cultivate an ‘attitidue of gratitude’ and express appreciation for the positive things  we share, and thank each other for what your partner adds to out life.

At least once a year, we agree to have a ‘vacation’ together, even if we don’t have a lot of money.

We can take time off work to spend together, go to a hotel for a change of scenery and to get away from housethold chores, can find a nice B and B for a weekend getaway, or any other mutually agreed upon activity.

We agree to review this agreement together during the first week of each month to set a date for our “date day”, and weekly to help us stay focused on our progress toward our commitment.

We will also know that as much as we look forward to our date night or date day, that circumstances might oblige us to reschedule from time to time. On the event of having to  postpone, we will be understanding and try to re-schedule as soon as possible thereafter.

This agreement is entered into willingly and lovingly by

_______________________    _____________________    on    ______

Partner #1                Partner #2                Date

To read more, see:
Keeping the Romance in Your Relationship Part 9

KEEPING THE ROMANCE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP: WHY NOT TRY A ROMANCE AGREEMENT?

So, how  can you keep on track with keeping the romance in your relationship?

Why not try a romance agreement?

You and your partner can easily draw up a romance agreement togther that will help keep you focused on romance between you, fostering a deep connection that in turn will help you weather life’s little storms.

Your romance agreement is not a long list of demands, but rather things that you both agree you enjoy which, when shared on a regular basis, will help you feel close to each other and help create the overall atmosphere of romance which we have been talking about cultivating in this article. These shared  activities can spur you to feel desire for your partner, and/or desirable yourself.

This is just one outline, with examples.  Use the ideas to expand upon what you would most like from your romance agreement. Just try not to be too set in your way. Your partner’s suggestions could very much surprise you.

And make you more than eager for your next pre-arranged romantic session!

For a Sample Romance Contract, see: Keeping the Romance in Your Relationship Part 8