Guru Goddess

Here is a sample romance agreement to help give you some ideas about how to keep the romance in your relationship.

ROMANCE AGREEMENT

For ________and__________
Date ______________

The purpose of this agreement is to identify and plan actions and activities we can take with each other or for each other that nurture our feelings of love for one another.

We agree to have a “date night” once a week.  The date night can/willl include the following:

1. Some private down time when we get home from work
2. A meal at a different restaurant,
3. Or a take out meal with paper plates and plastic cutlery so no one is stuck with the dishes
4. A movie or video together/mututal choice, or we can take turns choosing
5. A romantic bath, shower, massage, and lovemaking

We agree to have a “date day” at least once a month.  The date day will include the following:

1. A walk somewhere in nature,
2. a picnic
3. Romantic foreplay, massage and sex,
4. A meal at a new restaurant we’ve never tried before
5. A movie or video together
6. A mutually agreed upon activity, such as  horseriding rollerblading
7. a trip to a day spa
8. a lazy morning with breakfast in bed and lovemaking
9. a lazy day in bed with a shower together
10. a fun bruch
11. a trip to a museum or sporting event

We agree that, if possible, it is desirable for sex to take place early enough in the night/day so that our energy levels are good.

At least once a week we agree to put on soft music and light candles while we read from a couple-affirming book or spiritual materials together.

We agree that quickie sex is just great if the mood srikes us, so long as we don’t scare the horses or children.

At least once a day we connect as a couple with touching, holding, kissing, or even just looking into each other’s eyes.

At least once a month we agree to give our partner a love note and/or gift.
At least once a day, we will take it in turns to consciously llisten to each other interrupting or trying to “fix things’.

At least once a day, we will take turns to cultivate an ‘attitidue of gratitude’ and express appreciation for the positive things  we share, and thank each other for what your partner adds to out life.

At least once a year, we agree to have a ‘vacation’ together, even if we don’t have a lot of money.

We can take time off work to spend together, go to a hotel for a change of scenery and to get away from housethold chores, can find a nice B and B for a weekend getaway, or any other mutually agreed upon activity.

We agree to review this agreement together during the first week of each month to set a date for our “date day”, and weekly to help us stay focused on our progress toward our commitment.

We will also know that as much as we look forward to our date night or date day, that circumstances might oblige us to reschedule from time to time. On the event of having to  postpone, we will be understanding and try to re-schedule as soon as possible thereafter.

This agreement is entered into willingly and lovingly by

_______________________    _____________________    on    ______

Partner #1                Partner #2                Date

To read more, see:
Keeping the Romance in Your Relationship Part 9

KEEPING THE ROMANCE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP: WHY NOT TRY A ROMANCE AGREEMENT?

So, how  can you keep on track with keeping the romance in your relationship?

Why not try a romance agreement?

You and your partner can easily draw up a romance agreement togther that will help keep you focused on romance between you, fostering a deep connection that in turn will help you weather life’s little storms.

Your romance agreement is not a long list of demands, but rather things that you both agree you enjoy which, when shared on a regular basis, will help you feel close to each other and help create the overall atmosphere of romance which we have been talking about cultivating in this article. These shared  activities can spur you to feel desire for your partner, and/or desirable yourself.

This is just one outline, with examples.  Use the ideas to expand upon what you would most like from your romance agreement. Just try not to be too set in your way. Your partner’s suggestions could very much surprise you.

And make you more than eager for your next pre-arranged romantic session!

For a Sample Romance Contract, see: Keeping the Romance in Your Relationship Part 8

COMMUNICATE FROM THE HEART

You can foster a loving atmosphere with heartfelt communication. Thank your partner for the little things. Say well done. Commiserate, but don’t try to blame or ‘fix’ if they have a hard day at work. Be respectful, of their time, effort, attention. Sure, it may not be the best breakfast you’ve ever had, but if they tried to be romantic by serving it to you in bed, great.

Don’t take things for granted either.   Of course we all love to get presents for birthdays or Christmas, but don’t get so fixated on that new pair or earrings of great pair or sneakers that you totally  miss the fact that your partner made breakfast in bed, or detailed your car until it was showroom new.

Remember than any gift you give, is a conscious choice to be loving, to think of you, and to put you first instead of spending the money on themselves. It is not owed to you and is not as important as a loving atmosphere between you and your partner. Christmas or your birthday is only one day. You need to be loving for all 365 in the year. And for all the days of your marriage if you get married, not just your wedding day in front of all your friends and family.

There is a particularly awful cereal commercial on the TV lately, in which a hapless guy who strongly resembles the human equivalent of an Old English Sheepdog, tries to engage his wife in a conversation about the new cereal she is eating.

She looks more like she is drinking vinegar, tunred down mouth, narrowed eyes, because he seems to be implying she needs to lose weight, when all he is doing is reading from the box.

Of course, the more he reasds from the box, the more pissy she gets, until the pooint where communication breaks down totally.
To her demand, “What else does the box say.” The guy sheepishly gives up. “Shut up, Steve.”

To which the guy gets a smug satsfied sarcastic smile and no doubt crawls away to lick his wounds, while she goes back to chewing the cereal with such tight-lipped miserable fury you would think she was eating overcooked liver, not a delightful new health cereal.

This woman is clearly not communicating from the heart. In fact, she is acting like she has no heart, no compassion for her supposed love one at all.

ROMANCE AND SARCASM ARE NOT REALLY COMPATABLE Are you going around in your life treating your partner in that manner? Think of the origin of the word sarcasm. It means to rend or tear flesh. Are you ripping your partner to pieces if he opens his mouth over the least little thing? He’s a guy, for Heaven’s sake. He is never going to be as eloquent as your favorite movie or TV stars on screen. Those guys are scripted. This is real life.

You can all relate to the miserable feeling you had if you ever said something unskillful or embarrassing in public. Why put your partner through that tortuous feeling when you could be fostering romance instead.

Maybe the woman in the ad was a bad morning person, but really, if your spouse or partner is willing to take an interest in anything new that you do, go with it! And vice versa. I know a lot of women who hate golf, but go because they get to spend time with their man, and get to go out into some fairly pretty natural settings. And to the 19th hole afterwards. All of this can be time for communicating and keeping your energy in tune and in synch with one another. To stifle communication like the woman in the ad is to stifle the free interplay and flow of love.

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

All of us would like to be loved unconditionally. But are we willing to offer unconditional love to others? REALLY?

I will love you even if:
You forget my birthday
You don’t take me out to dinner
You forget to take out the trash
You leave the toilet seat up
You squeeze the toothpaste in the middle fo the tube
You run up huge credit card debts
You are unfaithful to our relationship

Until you can say “I will love you no matter what you do or say,” it is not unconditional love.

Think about three situations where you could have expressed your love for your partner better. Then think of three instances where they could have been more loving towards you. Do they have anything in common?  If so, what can you do to choose love instead of anger?

LOVE IS AN ACTIVE CHOICE

Staying in a relationship is an active choice we make every day.  We may have many different reasons for staying in the relationship, but the primary reason for being a couple is to love and cherish each other.

So, we can choose. Do we act in a positive and loving manner, praising, being warm and affectionate?

Or are we negative, critical, always finding fault, freezing out our partner if they displease us? Do we hold a grudge, or come up with a worse-case scenario?

Are we expecting our partner to be a mind-reader and punishing them when they aren’t? Are we offering them the same unconditional love that we crave, that we wish for ourselves? Or are we always judging them and finding them lacking in some spoken or unspoken way: if only he would… Or yes, he’s good but not good enough…

Again, this is all in the eye of the beholder. But wouldn’t you rather be happy and wrong, than right and alone? If you cling you your wants, needs and beliefs as RIGHT, you’ll most likely be left with them and only them. The love in your relationship will evaporate if you don’t work to keep the romance between you alive.

Read more in: Keeping the Romance in Your Relationship Part 6

HEARTFELT COMMITMENT
The subtitle of Dr Chapman’s book, How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, is also a valuable lesson in romance, which should be felt in the heart.

If you are constantly discontent and always thinking that the grass is greener elsewhere in another garden, you are not expressing heartfelt connection and commitment with your partner.

You are also causing your own unhappiness, because it is your mind creating the discontent by constantly comparing and contracsting what you have, with what you wish for–or think you wish for.

I always thought I wanted a Westie terrier-I ended up with an abandoned 14 year old with sharp teeth, jaws of steel, and kidney failure. I always thought I wanted a cocker spaniel, but $10,000 in vet’s bills later… You get the idea.

AN ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE
Yes, I got my Westie, and she was hard work, especially toward the end, having to give her an IV every day when she wanted nothing more than to rip my arm off and eat it! But the joy she felt when we gave her a bath, or when she hunted squirrels in the park with my 4 year old dog, was wonderful to see.

I got the cocker spaniel I always wanted, but she came with a host of health problems, but each day she improves and grows in confidence, and knows she is loved and adored for the first time in her life.  I am grateful every day for the unconditional love she gives not just to me, but the whole family.

PERFECT IS IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER

Neither of my dogs is perfect—tbut then, perfect is in the mind of the beholder.  The same is true of your partner. And yes, he might have seemed perfect at first, and then he changed.

Is it really that he changed, or, is it that your point of view or opinion changed? That once you were out of the infatuation phase of the relationship (which usually lasts 5- 8 months) and once you are married and past the honeymoon, the things you thought once thought were adorably quirky end up being as annoying as fingernails on a blackboard.

But by being grateful for the little things every day, you’ll stop looking for greener grass. You’ll be happy with the grass itself. You will also be thankful for the challenges that your partner brings to your life, such as helping you learn to be more patient and how to try to live in peace and harmony.

This article is continued in Keeping the Romance in Your Relationship Part 5.