THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES
In Gary Chapman’s wonderful 5 Love Languages series of books, at http://www.fivelovelanguages.com, Chapman presents the theory that each person has their own main way of communicating his or her love from amongst these 5 methods:
Words Of Affirmation (praising, thanking)
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service (errands, laundry)
Physical Touch
Each of us has a primary love language, and a secondary one. Chapman accounts for the ‘loss of love’ after we marry (or move in together) as due to couples failing to speak each other’s love language, or, in some cases, mis-communicating within the love language, because, let’s face it, not all of us are the greatest orators.
We learned lessons about love from family, friends, past relationships, romantic and otherwise, as witnesses to our parents’ and friends’ relationships, marriages and even divorces. All of these can affect how we ‘speak our love language.’
With divorce running at 50%, it makes sense to wonder what conscious and unconscious messages we are communicating in our relationships? And are we getting married with “Until death do us part,” very firmly in mind, or “Until I decide it just isn’t working/meet someone else”?
THE WINTER OF OUR DISCONTENT
What are the common reasons for divorce?
Money and infidelity.
We live in the most prosperous country in the world, in dwelling FULL of material goods, hot and cold running water, indoor plumbing, refrigerators full of food. How much is enough? And is is so important that it’s worth damaging your primary love relationship?
Only 4% of affairs ever result in a long-term relationship, with long-term defined as two years or more. (Yikes-that’s LONG TERM?)
Over 70% of those who had the affair wish they had never been unfaithful, and wish they could go back to the way things were with their spouse.
Clearly, something is amiss here. So let’s break it down: What needs is each spouse trying to get fulfilled in each case?
HOW MUCH IS ENOUGH?
We ALL want to be successful, happy, free from suffering and want. Feeling loved is a very real need. But how much is enough?
Your own mind defines ‘enough’. Plus, a lot of people are not clear about what they are looking for in a relationship, so how can they feel romantic with someone they believe is not giving them what they want?
We are not arguing that people should settle for less, but there are ways of communicating your needs without seeming selfish, putting your partner on the defensive, or making them feel that no matter what they do, it is never good enough.
If your partner tries to give you a gift or arrange a ‘special’ time together, give them credit for a good, loving intention, even if it isn’t exactly what you wanted. Nothing in life is perfect. Not even you!
The most wonderful thing about relationships, though, is that they can be a wonderful garden for personal growth. But like all gardens, it needs to be tended, and weeded.
Read on in
Keeping the Romance in Your Relationship Part 4.
